Sunday, July 30, 2017

The Art of Standing Still

On July 3rd, my mom could have died. I didn't get a call about it until just last week. Apparently my mom had tripped and fell, hit her head, temporarily lost consciousness, and fractured her pelvis. What was I doing at that time? I was half way across the country, alone, worrying why my now ex-boyfriend, who was putting his family first in Pennsylvania, was bailing on our 4th of July plans and not talking to me. After receiving that phone call from my mom, I contemplated a lot of things. I began to think, what am I doing here in Oregon? Is giving up this time with my family, is not seeing the closest thing to a niece I will ever have grow up, worth the joy I experience by calling Oregon home? A big part of me wanted to call it quits here immediately to go home and be closer to my family. That would be a huge decision to make, so I wanted to make sure it was the right one.

Wheeler, Oregon
I took the weekend to think it all over and meanwhile talked to as many people as I could about what I was feeling. I went out for happy hour drinks with my neighbor that Friday night on the waterfront and told her about what I was thinking. On the walk back, listening to her talk about how much she loves Portland reminded me how much I really loved it too, although I struggle to enjoy it the way I really want to because it's just so expensive to live here. Cole and I went to the coast with another friend and her dog the following day. The dogs had an amazing time running around the beach while we waded into the ocean and enjoyed the waves as they crashed into our legs. I went out to brunch with my ex on that Sunday, our first face to face attempt at moving forward as friends, and he proved to be a good listener to what I was contemplating. I talked on the phone with my cousin and then with another friend on the east coast at different points throughout the weekend, it seemed as if everyone was supportive no matter what I decided, as long as I was doing what made me happy. After much deliberation and soul searching, I made the difficult decision to stay put. Going home felt like it would be a step backwards and I didn't want to take the chance that I would somehow get stuck in Wisconsin permanently. Oregon is my soul food and I think when you find something, someone, or someplace that does that, you owe it to yourself to see it through.

Indian Beach at Ecola State Park in Cannon Beach, Oregon
Standing still, on the surface, may seem like an easy thing to do but nothing could be further from the truth for me. I feel like most of my adult life, I have been chasing "the next thing". I've been so preoccupied with what's next, what goal am I working toward, of constantly moving forward, that I'm losing the joy of now. I feel all of that in the tenseness of my neck and shoulder muscles and in the anxiety that builds up in my chest. I began to wonder, is all of that forward momentum just a distraction? When a relationship ends, I tend to focus on analyzing my career path more but what's wrong with just being happy to have a good job? Why does it have to be going anywhere? When I'm in a relationship, I'm usually preoccupied with the future of that relationship, are we working toward the next step? Why can't I just focus on the here and now with that person? Why can't I just relax, breathe, and be content in this moment in my life? What's wrong with just standing still?

Cole has this whole stillness thing down
Those who have been following along with my blog know that this year, I've been trying to focus on living a more minimalistic life. From time to time, I lose focus on that though and I'm working hard to keep it front and center on a daily basis. Recently I discovered an online forum of like-minded people trying to do the same and have found that helpful. I began reading a book this week called Chasing Slow and it has been truly eye-opening. This weekend, I have been spending a lot of quiet time alone. I consciously avoided doing activities to just pass the time, to keep my mind numb, things like binge watching Netflix. Instead of zoning out to a TV screen, I spent an hour or so just looking out my living room window and listening to the sounds of the city. I sipped a cup of coffee while I talked to my mom on the phone to see how her recovery was coming along. I spent hours reading on my balcony while the warm breeze swept by. I briefly broke the silence with some music while I cooked a meal which I then enjoyed as I sat by the window, focusing on each and every bite instead of zoning out to a TV screen. I spent time thinking and writing about the things I am grateful for and that which are most important to me.

There definitely seems to be an art to standing still in a world that is constantly moving. With any art form, it takes practice to perfect and I think that may possibly be the best use of my time right now, practicing mindfulness while standing still.

"Ask a bird how to fly, and it might tell you to remove the weight from your wings." ~ Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

After It's Over

With new relationships, there is always those beginning months where everything is fun and exciting. You're learning about each other, share a lot of "me too's!", and it seems like nothing could be any more perfect. As time goes on, opportunities arise to see how each other handles stress, you learn more about their families, friends, decision making skills, etc. Inevitably there are going to be differences of opinion.

A little over a month ago, with just a couple days notice, Matt, the person I've been seeing for the last three months, was called away on some family business on the east coast. What started as a one week trip turned into three, and coupled with some technology issues, presented challenges for our relationship and resulted in our first argument. Poor communication, bailing on our 4th of July plans, and a subtle change in behavior led to quite a bit of stress on my part and a lot of guessing on what might become of our relationship.

Shortly before being called away, we had decided to move in together when his lease was up at the end of July. This weekend, just two weeks before he was supposed to move in and after multiple smaller discussions about the moving in plans, I learned he wanted to wait longer. Needless to say, this caused some serious concerns on my part. By keeping this information from me for over a month, I felt betrayed. I felt like we were taking a step backward. It caused doubts on whether or not I could trust him. It made me second guess whether we were on the same page, wanting the same future. Of course, all of this could have been avoided if he had told me right away when we first discussed moving in together that he wanted to wait longer. That's a stance I could have respected because it would have been timely and honest.

I've always been on the bold side. If there is something I want, I go for it. I jump in head first and take a hope-for-the best approach. I don't usually spend an abnormal amount of time worrying about what might happen or make decisions based out of fear. There's always a chance with a new relationship that it won't work out and I don't think there is much you can do but give it your best and see what happens and I've always felt that I'd rather know sooner than later whether things were going to work out. Of course, you should use your best judgement on who to let into your life but if you don't see any red flags with someone, why not dive in? Maybe I've been through enough breakups to know that if a relationship doesn't work out, I will survive. I'll learn something new and will take that into my next relationship and I'll be better for it. Perhaps our timing was just off or maybe we really just weren't right for each other but after another conversation tonight, and with more time to evaluate how I felt about things since our last discussion this weekend, I determined this wasn't the right relationship for me, and we agreed to part as friends.

Coincidentally, I pulled a muscle in my back this weekend that had me laid up for the last few days. Luckily, it's improving and I was able to go back to work today. This injury may have been a blessing in disguise because it gave me a lot of time to think and I've been thinking about what kind of life I want to live. I know without a doubt that our time here is short and will go by quickly. There isn't time to waste being unhappy or committing to the wrong person. The people we surround ourselves with, the work we do, and the choices we make matter, it all adds up. I will be pondering all of this and more in the coming days to decide what my next steps will be but I suspect I will be making some significant changes soon. One change I have been wanting to make and am implementing tonight is to be more honest in my writing. I value transparency in all areas of my life, this place shouldn't be any different. I hope this new level of transparency is well-received as you continue to follow along. Stay tuned.....